Communication in a Relationship

Posted by: Rose Tol, R&I Life Coaching, March 14, 2013; Communication in a Relationship in Relationships

Good communication in a relationship creates love, care and respect.

Communication is a most powerful skill and a must have to cultivate relationships that are sustaining, meaningful, rich and lasting. Communication has the power to break or make a relationship thus it is important you learn to keep clear with your communications and keep sharpening your skills in this area as an important step in keeping your relationship thriving. There has to be good communication in a relationship going on in order to discover if each others basic human needs are met.

Past Hurts, Resentments and Frustration

If you have build up resentments, anger, frustration, fear and regrets from the past then it is important that you clear the air with each other. Best is that you have a session with a counselor who can help you through this in a thorough way, where you both feel heard and gotten by each other and you can let go of it. This kind of work can be done in about 3 hours and the gift of it is you will have so much more love and respect afterwards for each other.You then have a platform from which you can build while learning how to communicate effectively with each other and improve good communication in a relationship.

Communicate Daily

Communicate daily with each other about important things in your relationship. Share about your needs being met, or not. Share the successes and the areas where you can improve. Learn to listen to each other and learn so you can grow together. Couples spend often a lot of time together but it is not what I call quality time. Yes you are in each others vicinity and you do things together, yet you are not focusing on each other and sharing intimate moments of connection with each other. That is why it is important on a daily basis to sit down or lay down together, have no distractions and give each other your full attention.

Non Verbal Communication in a Relationship

Non verbal communication are all the ways you communicate that are not the words themselves, for instance your body language, your tone of voice etc.  Discover your non-verbal habits of communicating and become an expert at knowing your partners. Do you know the comment: "But you were judging me? No I wasn't, I was just trying to help!" Well most of the time these interactions are born from the most important dynamic at times, and that is what is not said or what is said through our body language or tone of voice. Learn to detect these ways of communicating in yourself and others and will help you to communicate in a way that positively moves things forward.

Learn to Communication Feelings

Learn to communicate how you feel instead of what you think. This is especially an area for the men to pay attention to. Sharing your deeper feelings with each other grows trust, clears the air and creates intimacy. And remember when your partner shares their feelings...they are just feelings...they are not you. I say this again as this is a hard one to understand. You are not your feelings!

Do's and Dont's for Good Communication in a Relationship

  1. Think before you speak: Is what I am going to say moving things forward towards truth or is it taking things backwards?
  2. Be calm and connected when you communicate. If you have a lot of emotions coming up, you are triggered, angry or upset, you should refrain from talking or stop talking if you have been in a conversation.
  3. One of the most important component of good communication in a relationship is being a good listener. Everybody loves a good listener. Listening is a crucial part of resolving conflict.
  4. Do not criticize or generalize someone else’s personality or character with accusation and blame. (e.g. You never think of others or How can you be so selfish?)
  5. Don’t Defend. When you defend yourself you block the possibility to deal with the issue.
  6. Speak up. You have to share yourself regularly and speak up when things are bothering you or you do not agree with. Couples that are passive in this area and avoid saying things out of fear of creating conflict, are steering their relationships straight onto the rocks.
  7. No stonewalling. Withdrawing from interactions and refusing to communicate at all is a passive aggressive stand and can create much damage to a relationship.
  8. No contempt. Insulting your partner intentionally, name calling, mocking, rolling up your eyes or sneering, is disrespectful and non caring.
  9. Speak non defensively. When you talk, use a voice that is calm and balanced. There is no blame in your speaking. A good way to start a sentence is “I feel…” rather then “you…”
  10. Be validating. When your partner is trying to communicate something, validate him/her by showing that you are listening. Listen for the needs that might not be met and let your partner know you are hearing by repeating it.


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