Should I Get a Divorce?
Posted by: Rose Tol, R&I Life Coaching, April 6, 2013 Get a Divorce in Relationships
Deciding if and when to get a divorce is an important decision and deserves deep contemplation because the consequences of divorcing last a lifetime. It is important to consider every part of your marriage. Mostly there are only costs. You loose your partner, your children loose and suffer, you loose money, you loose dreams and goals you had together. It is bad for almost all areas of your marriage. But sometimes the decision to divorce is the best step.
But before you decide divorce give time contemplating the following information and 8 questions. It is never too late to save a marriage from a divorce.
When to get a divorce
Have you ever asked yourself why the divorce rates in the world have been rising these last decades? In Australia the divorce rate is now 43%. The average years of marriage before divorce is 8,5 years. So 1 in 2.5 marriages ends in separation and divorce.
With 25 years of experience in counseling couples, 75 to 85% or the couples contemplating to get a divorce, turned their marriage around and were able to solve the problems they were experiencing and bring back the passion, respect and love that was once there at the beginning of their marriage.
Have you heard people say, 'you will just attract the same person-situation again'. Well, in most cases this will be the truth. It is seductive to sometimes think that if only...it is easy to perceive that the grass is greener on the other side.
The truth is, there are lessons to learn and the separation you are experiencing with your partner is full of lessons and breakthroughs into more love and light for you and your partner to experience. The problem is we are most of the time so in the 'thick' of it and can't see our way through it.
The following questions are designed to help you to see if the decision for divorcing or separating is the right one or if there is still a spark somewhere that can be rekindled.
Questions to contemplate if you think to get a divorce
- Do you remember the days in your marriage when the respect, care and love was there? You trusted one another. You could not get enough of one another. You could not wait to see each other. Take some time and remember these moments. Let these memories come alive. What brought you together? What do you love about your partner? QUESTION: If you can get back to that level of love, care, respect, trust etc. again, and maybe more, would you do what ever it takes to get to that place of passion and love again?
If your marriage has never been anything more than two people living
together and getting their own needs met then divorce may be the answer.
- Sometimes we love our partner but we feel helpless with the situation. Sometimes we feel so helpless in finding solutions for our marital problems that we 'threaten' our partner with the idea to get a divorce. It is important you get clear on where you are at in this. If you still have feelings for your partner then you should work on your relationship and learn how to safe your marriage before deciding to get a divorce. Question: Do you still have feelings for your partner?
- It is important to be as clear as you can be on the reasons to why you want to get a divorce. Are you hoping in divorcing your partner, he/she will start to treat you better? Maybe they will realize how they have been wrong and change for the better. This is the wrong reason for wanting to get a divorce. All a divorce does is separate you from your family. It is not a solution for conflict, divorce only promotes conflict. If you want dynamics to change between you and your partner then divorce again is not the solution. Question: What are the reasons for you to want to divorce?
- Some people say that they just 'fell out of love'. I loved my partner very much when we got married but somewhere along the line I am not in love anymore. Well, you don't just fall out of love. The number one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people don't spend enough time together. Everything in life seems to get priority over spending quality time with each other. If you do not spend time enough time together and your marriage is on the bottom of the list, you grow apart. You are not a team anymore and sometimes you feel like strangers to each other. The distance and isolation sometimes gets people fooled to think that they have fallen out of love. They feel numb. But the feeling of love is still there! it is just covered over by this numbness. Question: Do you feel resigned in any way in retrieving the feelings of love you have for your partner?
- If you are full of emotions and are feeling deeply hurt and/or triggered, then deciding to get a divorce might come from reaction. If your decision is a reaction then it is best to take time to work on yourself. You have to get yourself to a calm place inside of yourself and gain awareness about the situation and why you got triggered. If you go through with divorcing from an emotional state it will only create more hurt and separation along the way and the process to get a divorce can leave deep scars for everyone involved. Question: Is your decision to want to divorce based on emotional reaction or is it based on true self awareness?
- A marriage has great costs that come with it. There will be costs with your partner, it is a great burden on children, it costs money all the way around, you loose your dreams etc. Question: Have you considered the costs and negative consequences that come if you decide to getting divorced.
Again, it is never too late to save a marriage. NEVER.
You can use these questions to contemplate for yourself and an even more powerful way to approach it is to answer these questions together with your partner. Maybe you contemplate the questions first and then share your realizations with each other. The beauty of this is that in the case you do get a divorce, all the cards will be on the table and your spouse will not feel blind sided.
If you think marriage counseling might be of help to you , do not hesitate to find the person that is right to help you or learn now how to create or rejuvenate your relationship.