Heart break, how to heal a broken heart?

Posted by: Rose Tol, R&I Life Coaching, January 2, 2013, Heart Break in Relationships

There is no person that I have met that has not had their heart broken in someway. Heart break seems to be an inescapable part of life, that most of us like to avoid at all cost, yet a broken heart is a feeling that we all know.  It is a most excruciating pain of loss and once it takes it's course it is hard to control or stop.

Our hearts get broken when we loose the very thing that in our imaginative heart hold so dearly. We have to let go and there seems no way around it.

Our hearts can be broken by a loss of a loved one, a child loss before their time or even a broken dream. It is a most painful of all feelings, the having to let go is inevitable. People describe this pain of heart break in many different ways.

  • It's the worst feeling in the whole world
  • It feels like you can't breath
  • I can't sleep or eat
  • The pain is so bad that I do not want to live anymore
  • Heartbreak literally feels like someone stabbing a knife into your chest and twisting it repeatedly.
  • You cannot think about anything except for the awful pain you feel and how much you hate the person for leaving you, and at the same time desperately want them back.
  • One of those feelings that never seem to go away.
  • I burst out crying at the most inappropriate times
  • It's not just a mental feeling, but when it happens you feel this pain right where your heart is.
  • I feel I cannot live without that person

What is a Heart Break?

A heart break is when we are 'forced' to let go of something that we have held very dear to our hearts. A broken heart needs time to heal, to let it go and find the way to move on.

The letting go in itself  is the gift of a broken heart. When we have truly let go, we have felt the depth of how much we loved this person or object, we recognized how dear to our heart the person or it really was and in the letting go we set our course for the rest of our lives, for what is most important us. What we lost itself helps us define our deepest desires, our longing. And it is this longing in our hearts that will guide us ultimately to our fulfillment of our deepest hearts desire.

The amount of time it takes to heal a broken heart is dependent on the readiness and the ability to let go.

The Danger of a Heart Break

There are questions that start to consume us when a heart break is eminent like:

  • Why me? 
  • Why now?
  • What did I do wrong?
  • Why do I deserve this?
  • Why did God take this away from me?

The danger is when we go about answering them the wrong way, the letting go might never happen. The outcome to go about answering these questions the wrong way looks like wallowing, self-judgment, self flagelation, self-pity, it's all my fault, something is wrong with me, I am not worthy, I'm never opening my heart again.

So let these questions be there, contemplate them, answering them can bring forth great growth in your awareness. But watch out for the pitfalls of negativity, discouragement and judgments. These 3 ways of thinking are a sure sign that the illusion has a hold on you. This way you can let the heart break shape your life in a positive, moving forward way. It can actually fuel your desire towards your goals.

If the letting go of the object/person in the heart does not happen then we break our selves off from love. Because the intense pain of the heart breaking is the love. Because it is something that we loved so dearly that is taken away. So the pain is the love that is been taken away. You see, the pain in it's essence is the love.

The way to letting go is by going into the pain of the heartbreak; let your heart break, let your tears flow. If anger, resentments, sadness and grief swell up, trust them as well. Trust all the feelings like described in the poem of Rumi. Feel them to their depth. But you have to go into the pain WITH THE INTENTION TO LET GO... TO GO THROUGH IT...so you can heal. This way you will feel only more love for the person or object you are letting go of and your heart is free to love again.

Guidelines for Letting Go through the Pain

  1. Go into the pain always with the intention to go through it to the other side, to let go.
  2. Do not let the fear stop you. The fear is only an illusion that is against your freedom.
  3. Be patient. Go into the pain and through as many times as you have to. It only takes as many times as it it does. Do not stop short. There is an end to it all.
  4. If you cannot go to this place of pain alone, find someone that can be there for you and hold you through it.
  5. Remember, the pain is the longing and the longing is the love.
  6. Every time you let go, without fail, there is more love, light and clarity.
  7. Watch out of the 3 ways of thinking, discouragement, negative thoughts and judgments.

Inspiration for you...

For many people, to get in touch with their emotional side is a wonderful thing — to finally not be inhibited to let go, to express themselves in that way. However, for those that do not feel this, there are so many ways to truth; the ways vary so greatly. Don’t think that you need to follow the same path as the next person.


~The Guest House~
This being human is the guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
a momentary awareness comes
 as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows
 who violently sweep your house 
empty of its furniture.

Still, treat each guest honorably. 
He may be clearing you out
 for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

Meet them at the door laughing 
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes
 because each guest has been sent 
as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi -

My prayers are with you...Rose

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