Posted by: Rose Tol, R&I Life Coaching, January 2, 2013 in Relationships
The 10 essentials are relationship qualities that live inside of us. More often than not these qualities have been covered over by all the things that come our way in life like concepts from family, friends and society, being judged, being ridiculed and painful events that happened to us.
But isn't it refreshing to meet someone who is open and real, someone who speaks what is in their heart and admits to their own shortcomings?
YES...we all long to be ourselves in truth, yet often there is fear that stops us.
To keep becoming more of our true self, there is transformation to go through; there are fears to be faced, concepts to be busted, areas to be healed and skills to be learned and mastered . If you want to be happy and thrive in your life and if you are looking for that 'perfect' relationship, to transform yourself is the best thing you can do to attain this.
Your relationships are all reflections of your own relationship with yourself!
following are 10 essential relationship qualities that if practiced and developed will be the
qualities that will help you along in this transformation, keep you on track and help you set out realistic goals to achieve the extraordinary relationships you deeply desire.
Your desire is a most powerful force that moves you from one place to another, in every area of your life. Without it, you are like a boat without a compass, lost in the murky waters of this world. It is crucial that you find out what it is you want and what your desires are in every area of your life. Because when you do, the very moment you have that clarity, the universe responds and forces are put in motion to help fulfill your desires.
You need to have direction and focus on your true values, passions and inner desires. Aim your arrow high! The ability to stay focused on your desire is a crucial relationship quality to have.
Once you know what it is you really want, you must ask yourself "Why do I want it?" "How will it make me feel to produce this result?" "What is my real purpose?" 'To-do' lists don't give you the "why," and with out a strong enough why, we rarely follow through.
In relationships many of us are afraid to ask for what we want for fear of either not getting it or of having the other person give it to them out of obligation. Asking for what you want is an act of trust. You are taking a step into the unknown - not knowing how the other person will respond.
If you like to read more about desire go to relationship qualities / desire.
Do you communicate to relate, to come closer to someone or to control and manipulate the situation or a person and create separation? When your intent is to relate you are most interested in revealing your true feelings, learning how the other feels, and connecting heart-to-heart. When your intent is to control, you are most interested in getting things to turn out a certain way - avoiding conflict, getting the person to like you, being seen as knowledgeable or helpful, etc.
It is important to bring awareness to your interactions with people and notice your intention. This relationship quality is connected to the first one of desire.
When it comes to relaxation, the body follows the mind. If your mind is busy obsessing over all the things that didn't get done that day, then you are not relaxed. Your body can only experience relaxation if your mind has let go of anything and everything that causes stress, worry or anxiety. You will enjoy life a lot more if you take some time every day to practice letting go. An invaluable relationship quality indeed to bring peace and calm to your life.
When you practice humility you will notice that you will have increased levels of trust and respect with people and less resistance and conflict. Practicing humility increases love and connection with people.
You want to be open to the possibility that you might be mistaken, that you do not know everything, and there is no one in the world whom you are better than.
Embracing silence is a humble approach to communication. Authentic communication depends as much on silence as it does on words - the silences between the words and the silence you have spoken as you await the others response. Embracing silence encourages understanding that there are many things that cannot be known all at once and for all. These things emerge gradually as we get to know the other person.
Humility does not mean being weak. In fact it takes great inner strength to be humble. A most powerful relationship quality that will help you feel so connected and receive help from around you.
To be transparent is to be willing to be seen, 'warts and all'. Contrary to what we may think, most people become more appealing when they reveal their needs and insecurities. This doesn't mean presenting the story of your wounds and misfortunes in vivid detail. It's more a matter of being open about your feelings, impressions and wants. It is about being honest.
Giving feedback is the act of verbally letting the other know how their actions affected you. Being open to receiving feedback means you are curious about and willing to hear how your actions affect other people. Most people don't get very much feedback in their lives and they long for it. Be respectful to others by asking for permission before giving them feedback. A relationship quality that needs practice, sensitivity and discernment.
You are not the car that you drive to work. Same with feelings, you are not your anger, frustration, sadness etc. Who you are is the person experiencing these feelings and can even observe yourself going through the emotions. Having understanding and respect and being open to your feelings yet not being controlled by them is the way to go. Not an easy state of being to get to.
Sharing your feelings and thoughts in relationships is also a very important thing to do. Sometimes we want to tell someone the truth but at the same time we are concerned about their feelings. A desire to clear the air might be accompanied by a fear of being misunderstood. If you do have mixed feelings, expressing both feelings can add depth to your communication.
Knowing you are not your feelings also means that when you get triggered you will not put your negative feelings on someone else.
Be patient with acquiring this relationship quality. It takes most of us a whole lifetime to understand this, truly.
Many people fear intimacy because we fear losing ourselves in a relationship. If you know how to practice holding differences, you won’t need to fear losing yourself. This is the capacity to listen to and empathize with opinions that differ from yours without losing touch with your own perspective and values.
To have an open heart and keeping it open you need to become aware and heal what has closed your heart in the first place. Then with awareness you will be able to keep your heart open once you feel it closing down.
It is not true that courageous people do not feel fear. The only difference is that a courageous person does not let the feeling of fear stop them.
Fear is a strong and powerful emotion that can move us in 2 ways:
We all have it to some degree or another. Fear is often found at the root of other negative behaviors we have like anger, jealousy, lying, manipulation etc.
There is an incredible array of fears that can influence us in many subtle and deceptive ways. So much so that we often don’t even recognize their existence. Besides, even if we do recognize their presence, it does not necessarily mean that we will have the courage to break through those fears and take action.
Sometimes, we knowingly allow fear to stand between us and our dreams. Sadly, if we do that for long enough, chances are, we will eventually abandon our dreams and rationalize our choice with logical sounding excuses.
This does not need to happen to you. You don’t have to allow fear to hinder
your actions and destroy your dreams! With a simple shift in perspective, you
can learn to transform that fear energy into excitement and use that positive energy to your advantage. Practice this relationship quality and it will become an important friend.
Discernment is the ability to distinguish between what you actually experience (see, hear, sense, feel, notice, remember) versus what you imagine (interpret, believe, assume) to be true. The statement "I see you looking at the floor" is your own experience. The statement "I see you are uncomfortable" is an interpretation. If you get caught up in believing your interpretations about another person's behavior, you will be responding to your interpretation of what they did instead of what they actually did.
Discernment helps you gain clarity about the choices you have and in decision making.This relationship quality will help you to stay true to your values.